Greetings from Boston.

In many ways, Boston is a nice place to live. It has great universities and it’s very pretty in the spring and summer. Running around the Charles river is nice. So is the bike riding scenery once you get a bit outside the city. Other nice things include: the majority of the population has similar political beliefs to mine, it’s not hard to find a job, there are plenty of cool places to shop, you don’t have to travel too far to get from one part of the city to another, etc etc etc.

Sometimes, though, I wished I lived somewhere else. Yes, it’s frigid here - even at the end of March - and many of the days are gray and depressing. The cost of living is outrageous. Housing for instance..and most of the houses here are old, small, and rickety. Forget anything affordable in the new/green-built/contemporary category! But…it’s not all those reasons that make me want to move out.

It’s M*ssholes! Yup - a portmanteau of Massachusetts and *sshole.

NOT all people who are from here and live here are like that, though - if they were, I wouldn’t live here. However, there are probably enough of them around that are vocal and annoying enough to piss off the most seasoned Yogi master.

For those visiting Boston, there are a few distinguishing characteristics so that you can steer clear:

Personality

Surly, grouchy, and selfish.

Accent

Drop “r”s that appear after vowels in words (car becomes cah - department becomes depahtment)

In some words, ADD an “r” to the end (ie Santa becomes Santer - spa becomes spar)

Driving Style

Offensive. Prepared to be cut-off at 90 miles per hour. Use of a directional (aka “Blinkah”) is non-existent. The roads around here are a clustahf*ck, so there is no indication when 4 lanes turn into 2 lanes, however, if you don’t know that and accidentally get stuck, prepare to get the fingah…and the haaaaahn (aka you will be honked at and shall receive the bird simultaneously).

Demographics

M*ssholes come in old, young, male, and female varieties. They also live in various geographical areas throughout Eastern and Central Massachusetts. I have been to Western Massachusetts, but haven’t encountered many M*ssholes there.

According to natives, accents vary from between Southie, Everett, Revere, North Shore, and South Shore varieties.

Occupation

Again, there are many varieties here. They can be white collar, blue collar, clerical, or unemployed.

Since their work style tends to be VERY LAZY, they look for jobs where they can get away with murder without being canned. Those in white collar occupations tend to be pencil-pushers. Those in clerical occupations ditto. Many are in state agencies or government due to the lax atmosphere (private sector is a bit more challenging for them) - for instance, check out City Hall or the RMV. For all occupations, you can see many of them slacking off and ordering a “lahge regulah” (it is a large coffee with cream and sugar) at Dunkin Donuts.

Look at the “big dig” - that is the biggest example of M*ssholiness on all different levels of occupations.

The corporate people don’t take responsibility for pocketing all of that taxpayer money - they pass the buck onto each other (each company says it’s another company’s fault and that the other company stole). According to all of the major newspapers and news agencies (AND a few people who were on the project) many of the laborers were intoxicated on the job. Finally, the government agencies were too lazy to do anything about it until it was too late (a woman got killed when she was driving through it and a concrete slab fell off and smashed her). If you ask anyone who had anything to do in the project why it went wrong - u guessed it - “NOT MY DEPAAAHTMENT!”

Yes, this is “state of the art” construction in one of the states with the highest tax rate in one of the richest countries in the world…not to mention one of the highest-costing urban projects ever.

Whatever they do, If something goes well (rarely) they take full responsibility for it, however, when they get called out, they love to pass the buck whenever something is wrong because it’s never “theah depahtment”.

Hobbies

Going to the bah (bar) for beeeahz (beers). Favorite is Millah Lite (for its cheapness).

Looking for baaaaahgains (Christmas Tree Shop, building 19 and whatever, etc etc)

Watching The Pats and The Sox (nothing wrong with these - I like both teams…however, be careful where you sit when you go to any of the games). Also, to some extent, Nascah, although they have to go ovah the bordah to New Hampshire to watch.

Reading the Herald (a godawful newspaper - the ugly red-headed step-sibling of the Globe).